Owning Sexy

I never really thought about being sexy or wanting to be sexy. Growing up in small town america as an old fashioned tomboy, you know the girl down the street who always wore jeans and never really made a fuss about her hair, makeup or pretty things and always had the short boy haircut. The girl who loved to be free and completely natural. You’ve all known that girl, the one who climbed trees and spit without shame just like one of the guys.

I was raised to be modest and was instilled with a strong sense of sexual shame which at times made me dislike my gender and myself. I was intimidated by my mother who I thought was the most beautiful woman on the planet with her bleach blond bouffant hairdo and her sexy sense of stylish dress, so stunning that she always managed to turn heads when she entered a room. Unfortunately mom wasn’t home much and never instilled in me what I needed to know to be a confident sexy woman, so I never was.

Teenage me was an awkward time. I wanted to be pretty and wanted to believe people when they said that I was but lacked all confidence in myself, which by the way was instilled by the step father who did manage to drill into me his contempt for my very existence by way of insults. It’s hard to feel beautiful or sexy when you are told constantly that you are fat and ugly. This defined the view that I had of myself as a young adult and lasted into my mid twenties when something finally clicked. I didn’t date or play the field, I met my first love at 16 and he was my ticket out. I left home on a wing and a prayer.

I remained insecure about myself and how I looked most of my life and I would envy those women who would rock those sexy outfits and could walk into a room with confidence. As for me I thought myself as average and a little on the heavy side, I struggled with weight and would cringe when looking in a mirror. Starvation by diet pills became a way of life for me, but I still lacked confidence.

Owning sexy didn’t come about for me until my mid thirties. I began to rock the boat of my own persona. The old mirror shattered by my own hand and out of this a new and improved woman emerged.
This woman that I saw in the reflection was someone who I hadn’t recognized before, she was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous. This beauty and sexiness wasn’t her physical appearances alone it was in fact that beautiful heart radiating with love. It is the heart that radiates the beauty, the love and the sexiness.
Owning sexy came down to opening my heart and loving myself for who I am on the inside for in our hearts is where God resides.

That’s how I owned sexy and you can too.

Weary Heart

I’m weary my friend for my travels have been long. I’m tired of the endless forks in the road and the seemingly endless paths in the forest of love which have all led to nowhere. I’m tired of the the wrong turns which are too many to count. The trail that I could walk with you seems filled with hope, beautiful, wonderful and peaceful but will require too much of me, for I am broken. I have holes which have been carved from worries, fears, and lack of love. The wounds I carry have not yet been healed, and I long for the magician who can fill the holes with the tender love my aching heart desires. It seems clear that no amount of wishing will make the fairy tale that I desire come alive.

It seems as though I was driving a little too fast when I recklessly abandoned myself for a moment, but shot back into reality quickly to review the situation. The distance, the miles that separate and my deepest desires and my innermost fears, unable to transform myself I have chosen not to take that route. It’s easy to get carried away in the moment when wrapped up in a great feeling, when you just click with someone it’s easy to forget the barriers that stand in the way. Planes, trains and automobiles are easy but I’ve had to ask myself if this is what I truly desire. Do I want to settle for this? The answer is no I don’t, I am not ready to embark on this journey with such large obstacles in my way. The failure of my recent past only serves to reinforce my fears. Try as I may to get rid of this feeling I still have the bad taste in my mouth from that last misadventure. No amount of cleansing has helped to rid me of the unsavory flavor. I prefer the taste of crow.

What a beautiful fairy tale we could have written, as I stand faithfully by your side dedicated to you and wanting nothing but you by my side, but I am tired and have grown weary. I cannot lie about my selfish wants to be desired and my need to have and to hold. You are handsome, wonderful and everything that I’ve ever dreamed of but my friend I am simply unable to do it with you. Perhaps we will make love in our dreams which is where you can have the parts of me that you desire the most. Here you can have me as I wish I were too.

Be still my beating heart because this is where I surrender and say goodbye.

"But it was just my 'magination, once again.
Running away with me.
Tell you it was just my 'magination,
Running away with me."

W

That Love

Love fiercely, love freely and with wild abandon

I loved you for a moment in the silvery moonlight beneath the twinkling stars.  

Why this happened I really don’t know, I only know that I loved you for a moment. 

In that moment life was perfect and we were happy as we lived out our love. 

Like night and day, dark and light our hearts afire with boundless desire as we loved for a moment. Loving  fiercely with freedom and wild abandon taking us to the brink of insanity, then back down gently yet not passively.

 Dinner over candlelight in a small Café, wild passionate love on the beach as we ended our day. Lovers embraces as our arms intertwined, soft kisses and sweet passion as we gazed into each other’s eyes. 

I still get those shivers when I think of your stirring touch. In that moment of love that we shared I was happy I cannot deny. 

 This moment in time was a wonderful phase, beautiful, hopeful and absolutely divine.

 This walk by your side was a wonderful ride. 

Through ups and our downs as we lived our journey and moved forward on our paths. 

We learned from each other as we lived and loved.  

Passionate rage became the staple as time went by. 

Jealousy and control was not to be lived by.

Distance grew as we moved apart but the passionate love would forever be branded in our hearts. We loved for that moment, that moment in time.

 Life was beautiful but then life became hard as the passion faded and the distance became greater. What a great love that was with me by your side as we took that ride through unknown venues, twists and turns nearing the cliffs as we tragically teetered on the edge of destruction.

 We stepped back for air and to honor each others space. 

The break was inevitable as we realized that we must part before the passion consumed us in the dark.  In the heat of the moment it was easy for this love to flourish but only for that moment we were allowed to love. 

Fate knocks at the door, the karmic wheel spins, we are catapulted to destinations unknown, how cruel life lessons can be when we love and are torn.

 Stepping back without turning away,  another time lover is spoken from one to the other as our paths have in an almost cruel way changed to rip us apart.  

We Loved for just a moment but much was learned. 

You see my love, true love never really dies. I loved you for a moment and this moment in time is where I learned to let go and forgive each day.

I have known passionate true love and I think of you and smile.

My Soul Knows Your Soul

That earth shattering almost electrifying love at first sight shock wave that sends tremors through our very being, reaching straight down to our souls.

Dear Right Person wrong time,
When me met it was as if time stood still for a moment. Instantly my soul recognized your soul. I became intrigued as I was taken back to another time, another place. Back to when we first met and back to when we last met. Through triumph and tragedy our passions ignited time and time again.
I know that when we first meet someone who we feel an instant attraction to we feel like we have met “the one”. Those feelings of Butterflies that tickle our tummies our excitement as we think that our search for love has finally ended.
That earth shattering almost electrifying love at first sight shock wave that sends tremors through our very being, reaching straight down to our souls.
We met we loved and we parted all within just a few short months yet it’s not soon forgotten.
This lifetime was deemed not our time by obstacles too great.
Yet I chose to love regardless.
As much as the desire and wanting was there, burning deep within my soul I had to face the truth and admit that this was not to be.
A heart wrenching love that could never be. Sadly we parted ways yet I still feel your presence.
Although we are separated by thousands of miles and an eon of time I still feel your every thought, your every emotion, desires, passions and secrets. A tough way to go.
The problem lies in that even though you are gone from me and I you, your energy still lingers. I cut myself off from the journeys and night visions all to no avail. I still feel you here when I go to bed at night, I feel your ups and your downs. I feel you happiness, sadness, despair, anger, excitement and I sincerely wish that you would completely leave me for good and this for my own peace of mind for you are only a memory now, a spot in my past. To me you aren’t real anymore, although I’m not sure that you ever were very real at all. I blame this in my being a hopeless romantic who always wishes to see the best in and extend trust to everyone that I meet. So in saying this I also want to tell you that my thoughts of you have been placed ever so gently with my fondest memories in life. Yes you were that special but the past is where you need to stay for now.
I have loved many times and in many different ways. My heart broken again and again leaving me to pick up the remaining pieces only to start all over. You weren’t the first to shatter my heart but hopefully you will be the last.
I have lived and learned. With this precious knowledge I take what’s left of me, my broken pieces and offer my love once again. Putting the pieces together and nurturing my forlorn heart with love back to wholeness. Filling the cracks and holes with tenderness and bringing it back to life.
Too big a challenge for you but that’s okay because we all have our tough tests that we fail bringing back with us valuable lessons learned from the experience.
I ask you now to be at peace and to let me be at peace as well for I have loved you through eternity and back
and more…

Until we meet again my friend.

Dedicated to those undeniable passionate loves that we so desperately seek in our lifetimes.

“If you want to know where your heart is, look at where your mind goes when it wanders.”- Anonymous

Take To The Air

I’ve taken wing to soar the skies,

and as I soar above I search for you

scanning the earth through eyes of an eagle

I look for you, for some kind of sign.

I see the truth.

I feel as though I’ve swallowed a brick

My stomach churns

I fight the tears

Time has placed a barrier here.

Holding back with all I have

Strength depleted, nothing more to say,

I muster the courage to turn away.

©Diana L. Householder

(image credit –  owner unknown.)

English 101

I distinctly remember how much I disliked this class by the end of the semester.

Write on demand and write what the instructors prompts you on.

Diana Wyatt

9/25/2011

The Nurse (Rough Draft)

10/24/2011

Slivers of bright morning sunshine peek through the curtains, stirring me from my tranquil sleep and ruining my beautiful dream. Squinting as if wincing in pain I open my eyes not ready to start another day.  I close my eyes again trying to feign sleep as I listen to the sounds of busy shuffling steps moving up and down the hallway. Dreading the sound of those familiar heavy footsteps, which signal the arrival of the Nazi nurse.  I’ve grown accustomed to her abrasive demeanor knowing that she takes her job seriously but I still like to give her a hard time.

Morning is when the hospital comes alive again and soon she will be here like clockwork. I feel like it’s her duty to make me miserable. I continue to feign sleep as I wonder can’t this woman ever miss a day of work? I try to quickly adjust my head and neck in a comfortable position before she arrives, so I can pretend to be sleeping. Too late she caught me as her overbearing figure looms in the doorway. She puts a big smile on her face as she enters the room and says “good morning” as I smile back at her plotting my next move boy is she in for it today.

She’s looking at me as she approaches, and I can tell that she’s wondering how I will behave today. This nurse I swear is bent on making me miserable, why won’t she just go away just disappear from my room, this floor even? I swear she is here to torment me, sent straight from hell, the devil in disguise. It’s not bad enough that I can’t move any part of my body anymore since the accident except my head and neck, but do I also have to have this drill sergeant of a nurse to deal with? Could my life get any worse seriously?

Her hulking figure hovers over me, her flushed face inches from mine, Listerine and coffee  radiating from her breath, I ask her if she forgot mouthwash this morning, with a little smile. Her body stiffens just a little as she ignores me, our day has begun. I give her a pretend contemptuous look trying to get under her skin. “Sasquatch!” I yell out she rolls her eyes looking annoyed.  I swear at her, I use my mouth to nip at her pretending that I want to bite her, I scream in fake agony as she dresses me, I yell at her to stop and to leave me alone, I complain about her clumsiness, but she just ignores me and keeps working. She bristles a little her first reaction, I can see that I’m getting to her success I think to myself smiling. Oh great my physical therapist is here now, it’s time to get in the wheelchair. “Why can’t I just stay in bed for a while longer today?  You know us teenagers we need our beauty rest!” I say with a great big angelic smile on my face. “Sorry but you have to get up in your chair and then you can watch the big football game” she replies with a sweet smile. There goes the Nazi grabbing the remote and turning the television off, “Darnit!” I yell.

The lift is brought over and they begin putting the sling under me, which then attaches to the lift which will move me out of the bed and into the chair. What a life for a teenager, a once strong athlete who now can’t move any part of his body below the neck. They get me situated and it is now time for exercise which also means that it’s time for my nurse to leave.  Noticing that she didn’t turn the television back on, as she leaves and I yell out playfully “see you tomorrow you fricken T.V. Nazi!”  I roll in laughter with my last torturous comment at her as she rushes out the door.