Owning Sexy

I never really thought about being sexy or wanting to be sexy. Growing up in small town america as an old fashioned tomboy, you know the girl down the street who always wore jeans and never really made a fuss about her hair, makeup or pretty things and always had the short boy haircut. The girl who loved to be free and completely natural. You’ve all known that girl, the one who climbed trees and spit without shame just like one of the guys.

I was raised to be modest and was instilled with a strong sense of sexual shame which at times made me dislike my gender and myself. I was intimidated by my mother who I thought was the most beautiful woman on the planet with her bleach blond bouffant hairdo and her sexy sense of stylish dress, so stunning that she always managed to turn heads when she entered a room. Unfortunately mom wasn’t home much and never instilled in me what I needed to know to be a confident sexy woman, so I never was.

Teenage me was an awkward time. I wanted to be pretty and wanted to believe people when they said that I was but lacked all confidence in myself, which by the way was instilled by the step father who did manage to drill into me his contempt for my very existence by way of insults. It’s hard to feel beautiful or sexy when you are told constantly that you are fat and ugly. This defined the view that I had of myself as a young adult and lasted into my mid twenties when something finally clicked. I didn’t date or play the field, I met my first love at 16 and he was my ticket out. I left home on a wing and a prayer.

I remained insecure about myself and how I looked most of my life and I would envy those women who would rock those sexy outfits and could walk into a room with confidence. As for me I thought myself as average and a little on the heavy side, I struggled with weight and would cringe when looking in a mirror. Starvation by diet pills became a way of life for me, but I still lacked confidence.

Owning sexy didn’t come about for me until my mid thirties. I began to rock the boat of my own persona. The old mirror shattered by my own hand and out of this a new and improved woman emerged.
This woman that I saw in the reflection was someone who I hadn’t recognized before, she was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous. This beauty and sexiness wasn’t her physical appearances alone it was in fact that beautiful heart radiating with love. It is the heart that radiates the beauty, the love and the sexiness.
Owning sexy came down to opening my heart and loving myself for who I am on the inside for in our hearts is where God resides.

That’s how I owned sexy and you can too.