The Gift

A wonderful Christmas gift was delivered last night. The neatly wrapped gift took us all completely by surprise. I really had no idea what would be in the little package. This memorabilia of Lee has traveled the world, and has even been through war. For eleven years it has been gently and lovingly cared for by his best friend as only a true caring friend would do. Just looking at it you can see how well it's journeyed, it looks just as good as the day it left. Josh simply said that he felt it was time for this to return home to be with its family.

Thank you Josh for taking care of it for these years, to me this was the best Christmas surprise and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

To me this is what Christmas is all about.

Quote You

Today I'm going to quote someone who had to leave in order for me to grow.

I have found the courage to face my emotional responsibilities I've gained 

new insight which purifies the spirit with charity and truth. This past year I've

learned that there's definitely something to sacrificing the negative emotional past. 

Lifting the spirit to expand influence with the intent to help others who have the same

problems of emotional indifference to their personal freedom. This is what I've learned.

So what'dya know? 

My self discovery has been an interesting journey. A great teacher once told me that

my journey in this lifetime would require me to find love without losing myself. Now I know

what that meant.

I never realized how quickly I sense the energy of others, hence picking up on

the energy of Martin Luther King Jr. for example.

This learning has now become fun as I sort through all the journal notes, 

separate what I now know to be "others energy" and in this separateness I define me.

Artsy

I've never had the pleasure of formal art training, one day I just began to draw.
My memories had taken me back to a time when I was about eight or nine years old. After having drawn a an image from a newspaper ad I showed my step father what I'd been working on. The ad said if you can draw this mail to the address provided for a chance to go to art school. The excitement that pumped through my veins quickly dissipated when he carelessly commented that I had traced the image. From that moment on I resigned myself to the fact that I could not draw and had no creative talents whatsoever. Come to find out I can create beauty by drawing, painting writing and photography. I see and have beauty all around me and with this I create.
Now I teach myself the art of art.

Householderjournal.com

  

 #art

Owning Sexy

I never really thought about being sexy or wanting to be sexy. Growing up in small town america as an old fashioned tomboy, you know the girl down the street who always wore jeans and never really made a fuss about her hair, makeup or pretty things and always had the short boy haircut. The girl who loved to be free and completely natural. You’ve all known that girl, the one who climbed trees and spit without shame just like one of the guys.

I was raised to be modest and was instilled with a strong sense of sexual shame which at times made me dislike my gender and myself. I was intimidated by my mother who I thought was the most beautiful woman on the planet with her bleach blond bouffant hairdo and her sexy sense of stylish dress, so stunning that she always managed to turn heads when she entered a room. Unfortunately mom wasn’t home much and never instilled in me what I needed to know to be a confident sexy woman, so I never was.

Teenage me was an awkward time. I wanted to be pretty and wanted to believe people when they said that I was but lacked all confidence in myself, which by the way was instilled by the step father who did manage to drill into me his contempt for my very existence by way of insults. It’s hard to feel beautiful or sexy when you are told constantly that you are fat and ugly. This defined the view that I had of myself as a young adult and lasted into my mid twenties when something finally clicked. I didn’t date or play the field, I met my first love at 16 and he was my ticket out. I left home on a wing and a prayer.

I remained insecure about myself and how I looked most of my life and I would envy those women who would rock those sexy outfits and could walk into a room with confidence. As for me I thought myself as average and a little on the heavy side, I struggled with weight and would cringe when looking in a mirror. Starvation by diet pills became a way of life for me, but I still lacked confidence.

Owning sexy didn’t come about for me until my mid thirties. I began to rock the boat of my own persona. The old mirror shattered by my own hand and out of this a new and improved woman emerged.
This woman that I saw in the reflection was someone who I hadn’t recognized before, she was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous. This beauty and sexiness wasn’t her physical appearances alone it was in fact that beautiful heart radiating with love. It is the heart that radiates the beauty, the love and the sexiness.
Owning sexy came down to opening my heart and loving myself for who I am on the inside for in our hearts is where God resides.

That’s how I owned sexy and you can too.

Weary Heart

I’m weary my friend for my travels have been long. I’m tired of the endless forks in the road and the seemingly endless paths in the forest of love which have all led to nowhere. I’m tired of the the wrong turns which are too many to count. The trail that I could walk with you seems filled with hope, beautiful, wonderful and peaceful but will require too much of me, for I am broken. I have holes which have been carved from worries, fears, and lack of love. The wounds I carry have not yet been healed, and I long for the magician who can fill the holes with the tender love my aching heart desires. It seems clear that no amount of wishing will make the fairy tale that I desire come alive.

It seems as though I was driving a little too fast when I recklessly abandoned myself for a moment, but shot back into reality quickly to review the situation. The distance, the miles that separate and my deepest desires and my innermost fears, unable to transform myself I have chosen not to take that route. It’s easy to get carried away in the moment when wrapped up in a great feeling, when you just click with someone it’s easy to forget the barriers that stand in the way. Planes, trains and automobiles are easy but I’ve had to ask myself if this is what I truly desire. Do I want to settle for this? The answer is no I don’t, I am not ready to embark on this journey with such large obstacles in my way. The failure of my recent past only serves to reinforce my fears. Try as I may to get rid of this feeling I still have the bad taste in my mouth from that last misadventure. No amount of cleansing has helped to rid me of the unsavory flavor. I prefer the taste of crow.

What a beautiful fairy tale we could have written, as I stand faithfully by your side dedicated to you and wanting nothing but you by my side, but I am tired and have grown weary. I cannot lie about my selfish wants to be desired and my need to have and to hold. You are handsome, wonderful and everything that I’ve ever dreamed of but my friend I am simply unable to do it with you. Perhaps we will make love in our dreams which is where you can have the parts of me that you desire the most. Here you can have me as I wish I were too.

Be still my beating heart because this is where I surrender and say goodbye.

"But it was just my 'magination, once again.
Running away with me.
Tell you it was just my 'magination,
Running away with me."

W

That Love

Love fiercely, love freely and with wild abandon

I loved you for a moment in the silvery moonlight beneath the twinkling stars.  

Why this happened I really don’t know, I only know that I loved you for a moment. 

In that moment life was perfect and we were happy as we lived out our love. 

Like night and day, dark and light our hearts afire with boundless desire as we loved for a moment. Loving  fiercely with freedom and wild abandon taking us to the brink of insanity, then back down gently yet not passively.

 Dinner over candlelight in a small Café, wild passionate love on the beach as we ended our day. Lovers embraces as our arms intertwined, soft kisses and sweet passion as we gazed into each other’s eyes. 

I still get those shivers when I think of your stirring touch. In that moment of love that we shared I was happy I cannot deny. 

 This moment in time was a wonderful phase, beautiful, hopeful and absolutely divine.

 This walk by your side was a wonderful ride. 

Through ups and our downs as we lived our journey and moved forward on our paths. 

We learned from each other as we lived and loved.  

Passionate rage became the staple as time went by. 

Jealousy and control was not to be lived by.

Distance grew as we moved apart but the passionate love would forever be branded in our hearts. We loved for that moment, that moment in time.

 Life was beautiful but then life became hard as the passion faded and the distance became greater. What a great love that was with me by your side as we took that ride through unknown venues, twists and turns nearing the cliffs as we tragically teetered on the edge of destruction.

 We stepped back for air and to honor each others space. 

The break was inevitable as we realized that we must part before the passion consumed us in the dark.  In the heat of the moment it was easy for this love to flourish but only for that moment we were allowed to love. 

Fate knocks at the door, the karmic wheel spins, we are catapulted to destinations unknown, how cruel life lessons can be when we love and are torn.

 Stepping back without turning away,  another time lover is spoken from one to the other as our paths have in an almost cruel way changed to rip us apart.  

We Loved for just a moment but much was learned. 

You see my love, true love never really dies. I loved you for a moment and this moment in time is where I learned to let go and forgive each day.

I have known passionate true love and I think of you and smile.